The first step to any foray into online dating is, of course, the profile. I want a profile that says I'm fun! Breezy! Funny! Laid back! The kind of girl you'd take home to mom! And any other cliche that will get me laid.
Ahem, excuse me. Did I say that out loud?
In all seriousness, I want a profile that is not. Serious, I mean. Yes, the ultimate goal is a serious relationship, but so many people go at this online dating thing as if they're searching for Bin Laden's cave. Those people scare me. These sites create awkward situations; dating like your life depends on it will only make everyone miserable. If you can go into it with absolutely zero expectations besides making it out alive, I guarantee a better time will be had for all.
So, how do I write this thing? First things first: a catchy headline. I start with a physical description. Nah. Boring. Besides, my picture is right next to the headline, they can tell what I look like immediately. A quote from a favorite movie? Too passe. Besides if you put a boy friendly movie like Swingers, "I'm so money baby and I don't even know it," it looks like you're looking for another member of your beer pong team, not someone you'd like to seriously date. Consequently if you put some girly Sex and the City quote, "Some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies," you look like the WORST form of female cliche there is. Might as well just say I'm looking to get pregnant, nag you, and discuss seating charts for our wedding. I decide on a bit of a pun that's not overly cheesy. Next!
Age range, marital status, done, done. Then comes a question that causes me a lot of angst: Do you want children? Oh boy. Isn't that more like, 3 month anniversary talk? Here's my problem with this question: I am one of the few women who has absolutely ZERO desire to procreate. People tend to react to this one of two ways: either they don't believe me ("Oh it's different when it's your OWN children." Yes, if by that you mean I can lock them in their rooms when they annoy me? Sure.) or they wonder what psychological disorder I have. (The answer would be: none. I just prefer the company of people who can wash and feed themselves and have intelligent conversations.) This freaks most guys out. Even if they've never had any desire to have kids, take away that option before the first date and the urge to "spread their seed" can be overwhelming. Funny how that works. (see: "Why Men Love Bitches") Instead of just flat out HELL TO THE NO!, I select, Not sure. At least this ensures men looking for a woman to birth them their own basketball team won't contact me.
Now comes the hardest part: capturing the essence that is me in 3 paragraphs and some 2D digital images. I choose my most flattering pictures from my facebook profile that I know aren't the result of tricky lighting or uglier people in the picture with me. I think this is important. I don't want some dude expecting Gisele to walk in the door only to see that I'm more of the JC Penny catalog type. That was easy.
I've been dwelling on these other things in order to avoid the most hateful part of this whole process: writing a profile that is funny and breezy, without going into the long tangents I am prone to (Exhibit A: this blog post). At first I write in a stream of consciousness just to see what comes out. Whoa. All The Little Pieces Called, it wants it's prose back. Too much too soon. (note to self: REMEMBER THIS ON DATES) I try again. I talk about my love of satirists like David Sedaris and Stephen Colbert so that guys will, hopefully, understand my sense of humor. I talk about how much I love my dog, things I like to do around LA, and am very careful NOT to mention marriage or children. Some guys like to put that right out there about how they're looking to start a family. This leads to my shrieking and clicking my browser's back button as fast as I can. OK. This is a start. My sarcasm may be overwhelming but I'd rather attract someone who gets my humor and has fun with it rather than someone who blinks and stares at me blankly. All right, I'm going for it. Now to send it to the dating site employees who will likely snicker at my desperation & tweak a few things to add to their enjoyment.
Now i just have to get it approved & the adventure can begin!
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
LL
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