4 dogs, 5 dudes, and a Lucy

I just returned home from a big step in a budding relationship: the weekend away.

I had a very casual dinner with Funions on Valentine's Day, none of the pressure of the holiday BS, and he invited me to go skiing with him this weekend.  He and some buddies rent a house near one of the big resorts and he goes there almost every other weekend.  He had invited me before but I never took it seriously and plus, I had to be sure he wasn't a serial killer before I crossed county lines with him.

So, this weekend was our first big trip away.  Just me, Funions, my dogs, and....6 dudes.  How romantic.  Actually this didn't bother me in the slightest because I found it kind of exciting that Funions was ready to bring me around a group of his friends.  And it was still an incredibly romantic weekend.  Funions and I kind of split off from the group naturally because we are the same level of skiers and the rest of the guys are trying jumps off triple black polka dot purple diamond slopes.  No thanks.  But this separation from the group was Funions' doing, I never dropped hints that I wanted alone time with him or anything, and I really liked it.  It shows me he wanted me all to himself.  Throughout the weekend he kept telling me how happy he was to have me there next to him, how much he liked waking up with me in the morning, and how much he liked me.  It truly was a picture perfect weekend.

I never thought I'd say this but I agree w/Khloe.

That being said, I was a little unprepared for the rush of emotions I've experienced since I got home.  I always get post-vacation let down so I expected to be a little sad, but I'm happy, sad, excited, and scared all at once.  And those are just the emotions I feel ok putting down on paper, if you could see in my head you'd see I have about 37 others I'm wrestling with.

Why?

I really, really, really, really like Funions.  I hesitate to say love because I'm simply too pragmatic to believe I could love someone within 5 weeks of knowing them, but it's headed that way.  As I said in my last entry, this scares me.  And I'm now understanding how much.

It's been years since I have made myself vulnerable to someone.  Throughout all of this internet dating yes, I've had my major crushes, LOML, etc. but deep down I've always felt that each of these guys I've dated could never really be "something."  Maybe I even subconsciously was picking these guys precisely because I could sense this.

Wow, that's hard to admit.

But here I am now with a guy who really could BE something in my life.  This means I am putting my heart at risk of being broken.  Not 'broken' like by....sheesh.  I just looked back through this blog to find even one guy I got upset enough about to count as someone who 'broke' my heart and I can't say I've given enough of a shit about any of them.  So you understand my dilemma.

Funions is amazing.  I feel prettier, safer, happier, funnier, smarter, and just more content when I'm with him than I ever have by myself.  That's a great feeling to have, but a terrifying feeling when I think about it being taken away.  We are not exclusive yet and I don't think we will be for awhile.  That's fine and healthy, but also scary.

This is the feeling from someone I've been wanting to find.  It's what I've been searching for for the past three years of this online dating adventure. And when I think "What if he chooses someone else instead of me," it makes my eyes well up.

Yes, I'm that gone for this guy.

I'm scared out of my mind.  I feel sick to my stomach, can't sleep, one minute I can't stop smiling, the next I feel like sobbing.  It's a roller coaster of emotions.  (and no, I'm NOT pregnant, thankyouverymuch)  I know I have to go through it all and this is the exciting part of falling in love, but at the same time I feel like a basket case.

When you truly know the meaning of the word love, you will also know the meaning of the word pain,
LL