*sigh* Sorry my friends, but this blog post won't be filled with my usual sarcastic wit and self deprecation. Muscles has decided he's just not that into me. And he outdid Berger's break up with Carrie via post it: he "broke up" with me via text message. Damn you modern technology. First you give us internet "stars" like Tila Tequila and now this.
It came out of nowhere. At least, I THINK it did. If there were warning signs can someone please point them out to me so I don't ignore them the next time around? We sealed the deal, as you know, we talked the next day as per normal, and later he texted me to tell me he was going to Vegas. Cool, have fun. Do as many hookers and blow as you want, we aren't together.
Yesterday I come to work as per usual and am looking forward to our chat filled day. But he's not there. Hmm. OK, maybe he got in late from Vegas and he's still asleep.
By 3pm though, I know something's up. And so do many of my friends as I freak out to each and every one of them, hoping against hope for some kind of reassurance and thinking that if I just hear from enough people "No I'm sure it's nothing, he's still into you," that will make it true.
But alas no. This morning I received the following text:
"I feel really shitty. I got carried away in Vegas and I need to lay low for awhile. I'm sorry to be a let down. Truly."
Umm....what? Are you running from the law and loan sharks? What does that even MEAN? I have drawn 2 conclusions:
1. He went to Vegas with another chick he was dating and they decided to get serious. All a matter of bad timing unluckily for me.
2. He lost all his money, is broke as a joke, and is embarrassed about it.
Yeah, I'm hoping it's option 2 but I'm doubtful. I just don't understand it. Everything seemed absolutely fine and normal; HE texted ME to tell me he was going to Vegas. It's not like I turned into a super clingy girl post hook up and was all, "So, Saturday night. Want to go shopping for shelf paper and I'll make a brisket?" I hadn't said anything about the next time we were going to hang out. I like a little space post booty just to make sure no one's emotions make them get carried away. (I was raised to think of sex as no big deal. A lesson which was evidenced when, at age 19, my mom said to me, "Don't take this the wrong way....but you really need to get laid." True story. [Hey, I was a late bloomer, so sue me.])
Anyway. I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm disappointed....and it sucks. I thought about how I wanted to respond to this. Of course my initial response is, Hey ASSHOLE, why didn't you say this BEFORE I got naked with you? P.S. You have a small penis. But, in going along with the idea of stepping out of my comfort zone I decided to do something that makes me a little more vulnerable. I took a deep breath, got a hold of my emotions, and said the following:
"Hmm....I don't really understand what that means, but ok. Let me just say that I enjoyed getting to know you and if you get to a place down the road where you'd like to continue that, you know where to find me. MUSH!!!"
And people, I feel damn proud of myself for saying that. I cared about this guy. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he's going through some personal crisis. That is not an easy benefit for me to give because of all the trust issues men have given me in the past. But I can either choose to cling to those thoughts and experiences and live in my protective little shell, unhurt but not able to feel that blissful feeling of being so in love with someone I forget my own name, or I can accept that sometimes good guys do crappy things that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I can choose to be honest and let them know how I feel, while still not compromising the treatment I expect and deserve.
So that's what I did. No, he didn't respond, but that doesn't make me feel any less proud of myself for taking the route that I did. I took a risk, grew up a little, and that's something no stupid boy can take from me.
I make the most of what comes and the least of what goes,
LL
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