False Advertising

Sometimes a friend can say something that gives me such clarity I wonder what I'm paying my therapist $150 an hour for. I'm talking one of those 'A HA!' moments that stuns me into silence by the simplistic elegance of the widsom that was just imparted.

A couple of weeks ago I had one of those days.

My own personal 'guru' came to visit me at work and, as it often does, when two girls in their 20's get together, the subject turned to men. I was discussing Crossfit and the tiff we had had earlier in the week. I had been feeling unsettled since our 'words' and needed to air out those anxieties to someone who knew me and all of my, ahem, nuances. (read: craziness)

I replayed every conversation we'd had, analyzed the tone, hell, even dissected the emoticons used in every IM. I worked myself into such a frenzy I was practically pacing behind my desk.

Then I paused.

"I have completely lost my mind, haven't I?" I asked my friend.

She, being the diplomatic friend that she is, said, "Well no...not exactly...but you are advertising one thing and selling another."

I was confused by this metaphor (ironic given that I work in the advertising business) and my face must've said as much.

She explained it this way: prior to meeting one of my online conquests my expectations are non existent. If a presentable looking gentleman who's taller than 5'6 walks in, I consider the night a success. With this attitude I come across as footloose and fancy free mostly due to sheer relief. On that first date I am completely in the moment and totally (ok, mostly) myself. This is the girl I pride myself on being. I'm fun, funny, laid back, confident, sexy....in other words, a great date.

However! The problems start when I decide I like a guy and in my head I think, 'Oh yes! This is the one I'll finally have a deep and meaningful relationship with! Let the sharing begin!'

It's like turning on the radio expecting to hear Lady Gaga only to have Celine Dion blasting through your speakers instead.

When she explained it this way I was stunned into silence. Where the hell has my therapist been hiding that epiphany?! This is exactly what I do! And exactly what I need to stop doing!

WHY DID IT TAKE ME 27 YEARS TO FIGURE IT OUT?!?!?!?!?!

This is of course indicative of a bigger issue and that is why I don't love myself. I think I hide this incredibly well but by date 2, as indicated by Crossfit's 'Hey you need to calm the hell down' pep talk, guys are able to pick up on it. As I've said before, I'm looking for someone to save me from myself.

With ten hours of traveling for the holidays behind me, I had a lot of time to think about this. But right now I'm all self examined out and all I'm in need of is some leftover Christmas cookies.

A wise man once said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course, he died penniless and single,
LL