It's not you, it's me.

Since the little tiff between Crossfit and I things have been different. Instead of backing off as I probably should've, I instead became "that girl" and clung harder. I constantly do this after second dates if I like someone. I build them up SO MUCH in my head that I become, ugh and it pains me to admit this, desperate for them to like me. I convince myself that, and this is after 2 dates remember, this person is PERFECT for me and I MUST make it work. Bad idea.

First of all, as some friends have pointed out, I should be looking at a person to see if *I* think they are worthy of *me*. Instead, I give them ALL the power, tell myself they're perfect, and start to panic they'll realize that I'm not that cool and then I'll be alone again. This is not attractive. Crossfit annoyed me when he was all, "Oh I like you, I can't wait to meet you, blah blah blah" but yet when I'm doing that a week later I expect him to respond favorably to it. The world doesn't work that way my friends.

What triggered all this self examination, and hopefully the actual taking of my own advice, is that Crossfit told me today that I come on way too strong for him. It's funny, because on Friday when a friend and I were talking about my woes and insecurities about him, she told me I was too available to him, and asked why I stopped just having fun. Clearly, she makes a good point based on Crossfit and my conversation this morning.

He and I left it at taking a step back. Which is good. Yesterday we worked out together and I was even thinking to myself, wait a second, why I am SO gaga over this guy? He's a bit of a know it all and that annoys me. Which is fine, we all have our quirks, but it just doesn't make sense for me to get so nutso over him when I hardly even KNOW him. I know it's my own insecurities at play: I WANT to be in a relationship, I am sick of being single and I base my self esteem on feeling loved. But, as the same wise friend who told me I'm too available said, I CAN feel loved...by ME. As the cliche goes, no one will love you until you love yourself. I project to the outside world that I love myself and on the first date I come across as a confident, fun, together kind of gal. But once I start to like someone and trust them a little bit, I throw all my cards on the table and let them see my insecurities. I want them to rescue me from myself. Not attractive, my friends.

I appreciate Crossfit's honesty and am going to use it to help myself change some of these behaviors that are detrimental to my new relationships. Not for him, but for ME. I don't even know if I like this dude. I like the idea of him, but him? I dunno. So I am going to work on taking back my own power and figuring out if *I* like a guy, and stop worrying so much if I can "get" him to "choose" me.

I'm not saying this will be easy. I have operated like this for most of my life. It's probably a large part of why I'm alone now. But being aware of it is the first step to change. And holding myself accountable to some kind of "audience" helps. I almost didn't post about this because I was embarrassed. Rejection is embarrassing. But if I don't address it, nothing will change, and if I want happiness, it seems change is necessary.

And with that I say, ONWARD!

When you are through changing, you are through,
LL