At first glance, you'd never guess I have all the insecurities that I do. I appear well adjusted and happy. This is the carefully manipulated image I like to project to the world.
And in truth, this IS the girl I want to be. Unfortunately, I have spent so many years telling myself how ugly and worthless I am that I've only been able to experience these "I'm hot!" feelings when in a steady relationship. I make the men in my life responsible for my self esteem...even within two weeks of meeting them.
(Sheesh...no wonder Crossfit was feeling a little pressure from me. We've hung out 3 times and I already expect him to carry the weight of my self worth.)
This all sounds depressingly Debbie Downer-esque, right?
WRONG!
You know what the greatest part of these self realizations I'm having? The only person who can change those feelings....IS ME!
If I want 'permission' to feel good about myself, guess what? I can give it! I'm ready to take responsibility for my own happiness. It is much easier to point to someone else, or the lack of a "someone else" in my life and say, 'This is who is making me feel bad.' This gives me a tangible person to be mad at and funnel all my anger towards. Why examine your own shortcomings when you can blame them on someone else?
But when there's so much defeat, anger and blame in my heart, there is not much space leftover to fill with love for another person. It's no wonder I've had a bunch of incomplete relationships. My own relationship with myself is incomplete!
That changes now.
Starting today I'm going to believe my own hype. Pat myself on the back. Toot my own horn.
The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. If you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous,
LL
P.S. - I've enjoyed sharing this epiphany with you, but we will now return to our regularly scheduled dating disasters and dumb ass-ery.
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