I was raised by parents who, while not hippies (My name is not Willow and I do not have an affinity for hemp), definitely reflected some of their hippie-era attitudes in my upbringing. For instance, I have very liberal attitudes towards sex. My parents treated it as no big deal and once I got that pesky "first time" out of the way, I realized they were right.
As such, I've had my share of one night stands and don't regret any of them. As the motto of the 70's went, "if it feels good, do it." Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting out to any dude that glances in my direction, but I'm not saving myself for the one, nor do I have any desire to. Heck, I don't even regret sleeping with Muscles, even though he dropped me like a hot potato post mattress mambo. (good god, how many cliches can I fit into one sentence? I sound like a Cosmo article.)
Crossfit, however? I regret.
Apparently Muscles messed me up a little more than I first admitted to myself. I don't feel used by him, I don't think the sex was the reason he dropped me, I think he would've bailed whether we had slept together or not. So, as I said, I don't regret the physical act of sleeping with him. But, due to how I've been acting with Crossfit post hook up, I'm realizing Muscles' idiotic actions are making me insecure about Crossfit.
He's been busy this week and as such, not as attentive as he was prior to our even meeting. This behavior reminds me of how Muscles acted right before he dropped me, and it is making me freak out. I am becoming "that girl" I have always prided myself on NOT being.
Last night, I picked a fight with him. As we have seen, this is what I am prone to do when I like a guy (i.e. Millionaire) but usually I'm able to control this crazy behavior til we've been seeing each other a few months. Last night however? I couldn't help myself.
Earlier in the day we had been talking about my friends' holiday party Crossfit was supposed to be my date for this weekend. He was now canceling because he didn't feel he had any nice enough clothes to wear and he couldn't afford to get anything he had tailored. (He's lost weight and put on muscle in the past year so he says nothing fits) I was REALLY looking forward to taking him with me so yeah, I was bummed. This also started setting off warning bells in my head of, "Uh oh, here it is. He's going to slowly start distancing himself until he feels he can kick me to the curb without looking like TOO much of a jerk."
Later, we had our office holiday party and yes, I had had a few glasses of champagne. When I get a little tipsy I also get a little flirty so I started texting Crossfit asking if he wanted to come over later. He said maybe and I said I'd check in with him when the party was over. When I did, he said he was all tucked in and hadn't planned on leaving the house. (Um...so why'd you say maybe you'd come over?) I said cool, g'night, and he picked up on my hostility and said "uh oh, you're pissed aren't you? Night." I said "no, I'm not pissed, just feel stupid, that's all."
That's when he got nasty. He said "Sorry, I don't do guilt. I did nothing to make you feel stupid." I didn't want to get into it all via text, "Actually, yes you did, because you're rejecting me now that we've slept together when for the past 2 months you've been hounding me worse than the paparazzi hounds Britney," so I just said, whoa, why the hostility? I don't want to fight. We are having so much fun, why fight? He said he agreed but thought that what I was saying was starting something. I said that I was sorry if it came off that way, I was just feeling vulnerable.
THEN he starts with, "I'm going to guess you drank. You've never talked like this before."
Ohhhhh NO you don't my friend. Don't get all holier than thou on me when you've only known me in "real life" for a WEEK, and all of our other communication has been limited to gchat. Not. OK.
I told him to knock it off and that there was way too much to get into via text but basically, the last online guy I'd dated had dropped me like a bad habit once we slept together so I am overly sensitive that that's what he's going to do too. (And yes, I am cringing as I type this. Pathetic, party of one, your table is now ready.) He said ok but then I needed to stop talking like this and I said fine, NO hard feelings? And he said nope, not at all, g'night.
So. First fight survived but I still can't help feeling unstable about it all. (as in, unstable about where I stand with him, not "the men in white coats are coming!" unstable) I really wish I hadn't slept with him so fast because then I think I'd be much more chill about him, instead of what I'm doing now which is worrying that it's only a matter of time til he decides he's done with me and tosses me aside. This is a new feeling because usually I think of sex as such a non-issue and honestly? I don't like it.
The feeling I mean, not sex.
I am going to try to calm myself down and SLOW things down with him. It will be good for me to not be in town next week, and I am not going to be the one to initiate our next hanging out. My ego is feeling wounded by his canceling on me for this weekend plus the pseudo fight last night, so the next move is up to him.
In the mean time, I'll just be "sexting" Crikey to distract myself.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble,
LL
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