Too sexy for my love?

Amen sister.

This past week I had date 2 with Funions.  I was looking forward to the evening because he had been consistently texting me every day, called me in advance to make plans, and came to my side of town instead of making me haul ass to him after a long workday.  A trifecta of nice.

We had a lovely and long dinner filled with good food and good Funions.  Lot of talk about relationships, but in a non scary way.  Told me some about his divorce, asked me what I'm looking for, and it's very clear that Funions wants a long time relationship, not a love 'em and leave 'em type girl.

But Funions may be a bit quick on the "love 'em" part and not in a good way.

After dinner we went back to my house "to watch TV" which is of course just a more socially acceptable way of saying "make out in a non-public place."  I welcomed this because I was into Funions.

So we're playing tonsil hockey on the couch for 10 minutes or so and Funions says, "maybe we should go to your room."  Again, this is not 1950, I'm a sexually liberated woman, and I'm ok with this, as long as there are some boundaries.  I say:

"OK, but as long as you understand that just because we are going upstairs it does not mean I am going to sleep with you."

He says yes, absolutely, he would never just expect that.  Though in hindsight I should've said to myself, "Self, of COURSE he's going to say that.  What, is he going to say 'Actually I think I DO want to get laid tonight so I'll probably just coerce you into sleeping with me once we get up there.'

Because that's exactly what he did.

Now, to be fair, I am not totally blaming him for this.  There were 2 people there and if I had really forcefully said "Keep those Funions in your pants," I'm sure he would've stopped.  But the back and forth, the wheedling, the pressure he was applying to get me to sleep with him  was so constant that I just gave in because it seemed the easier thing to do.

And it sucked.  The sex sucked, the talking afterwards sucked, and the way I felt the next day REALLY sucked.  I was mad at him but even more so at myself.  So why'd I do it?  I KNEW it was going to make me feel bad, I KNEW it would make me think less of him, and I KNEW it had the potential to ruin any budding relationship with him.

The answer is: I don't have the answer.  It's a bunch of factors playing with and against each other and it's something I have to figure out if not for this relationship than at least for the next one.  All I DO know is that I definitely don't want to feel this way again.  Not with him, or with anyone else.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place,
LL

S&R (sex and regrets)

I was raised by parents who, while not hippies (My name is not Willow and I do not have an affinity for hemp), definitely reflected some of their hippie-era attitudes in my upbringing. For instance, I have very liberal attitudes towards sex. My parents treated it as no big deal and once I got that pesky "first time" out of the way, I realized they were right.

As such, I've had my share of one night stands and don't regret any of them. As the motto of the 70's went, "if it feels good, do it." Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting out to any dude that glances in my direction, but I'm not saving myself for the one, nor do I have any desire to. Heck, I don't even regret sleeping with Muscles, even though he dropped me like a hot potato post mattress mambo. (good god, how many cliches can I fit into one sentence? I sound like a Cosmo article.)

Crossfit, however? I regret.

Apparently Muscles messed me up a little more than I first admitted to myself. I don't feel used by him, I don't think the sex was the reason he dropped me, I think he would've bailed whether we had slept together or not. So, as I said, I don't regret the physical act of sleeping with him. But, due to how I've been acting with Crossfit post hook up, I'm realizing Muscles' idiotic actions are making me insecure about Crossfit.

He's been busy this week and as such, not as attentive as he was prior to our even meeting. This behavior reminds me of how Muscles acted right before he dropped me, and it is making me freak out. I am becoming "that girl" I have always prided myself on NOT being.

Last night, I picked a fight with him. As we have seen, this is what I am prone to do when I like a guy (i.e. Millionaire) but usually I'm able to control this crazy behavior til we've been seeing each other a few months. Last night however? I couldn't help myself.

Earlier in the day we had been talking about my friends' holiday party Crossfit was supposed to be my date for this weekend. He was now canceling because he didn't feel he had any nice enough clothes to wear and he couldn't afford to get anything he had tailored. (He's lost weight and put on muscle in the past year so he says nothing fits) I was REALLY looking forward to taking him with me so yeah, I was bummed. This also started setting off warning bells in my head of, "Uh oh, here it is. He's going to slowly start distancing himself until he feels he can kick me to the curb without looking like TOO much of a jerk."

Later, we had our office holiday party and yes, I had had a few glasses of champagne. When I get a little tipsy I also get a little flirty so I started texting Crossfit asking if he wanted to come over later. He said maybe and I said I'd check in with him when the party was over. When I did, he said he was all tucked in and hadn't planned on leaving the house. (Um...so why'd you say maybe you'd come over?) I said cool, g'night, and he picked up on my hostility and said "uh oh, you're pissed aren't you? Night." I said "no, I'm not pissed, just feel stupid, that's all."

That's when he got nasty. He said "Sorry, I don't do guilt. I did nothing to make you feel stupid." I didn't want to get into it all via text, "Actually, yes you did, because you're rejecting me now that we've slept together when for the past 2 months you've been hounding me worse than the paparazzi hounds Britney," so I just said, whoa, why the hostility? I don't want to fight. We are having so much fun, why fight? He said he agreed but thought that what I was saying was starting something. I said that I was sorry if it came off that way, I was just feeling vulnerable.

THEN he starts with, "I'm going to guess you drank. You've never talked like this before."

Ohhhhh NO you don't my friend. Don't get all holier than thou on me when you've only known me in "real life" for a WEEK, and all of our other communication has been limited to gchat. Not. OK.

I told him to knock it off and that there was way too much to get into via text but basically, the last online guy I'd dated had dropped me like a bad habit once we slept together so I am overly sensitive that that's what he's going to do too. (And yes, I am cringing as I type this. Pathetic, party of one, your table is now ready.) He said ok but then I needed to stop talking like this and I said fine, NO hard feelings? And he said nope, not at all, g'night.

So. First fight survived but I still can't help feeling unstable about it all. (as in, unstable about where I stand with him, not "the men in white coats are coming!" unstable) I really wish I hadn't slept with him so fast because then I think I'd be much more chill about him, instead of what I'm doing now which is worrying that it's only a matter of time til he decides he's done with me and tosses me aside. This is a new feeling because usually I think of sex as such a non-issue and honestly? I don't like it.

The feeling I mean, not sex.

I am going to try to calm myself down and SLOW things down with him. It will be good for me to not be in town next week, and I am not going to be the one to initiate our next hanging out. My ego is feeling wounded by his canceling on me for this weekend plus the pseudo fight last night, so the next move is up to him.

In the mean time, I'll just be "sexting" Crikey to distract myself.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble,
LL

Does this count as a third date?

Maybe it's because I'm not in college anymore, but for some reason during this experiment I decided to adhere to the "no sex til date 3" rule. I don't even know if this rule still is commonly used today, but it's the closest thing I've had to standards so I'm going to go with it.

Last night I had no intention of seeing Muscles. The sexual tension has been building a lot since Monday, but it's delicious. I forgot how fun actually getting to know someone and delaying sleeping with them can be! (God I hope none of my family members ever find this blog...)

I had spent the early part of the evening running some errands and got home around 9ish. My roommate and I were going to order sushi and catch up on our Dexter viewing but she wasn't home yet. I popped open a bottle of wine and had some time to relax before she arrived. Only thing is: I forgot I hadn't eaten lunch and had done a light workout post work....so I was drinking on an empty stomach.

Two glasses later I was feeling a bit tipsy. I got online and was messing around when lo and behold who should IM me but Muscles himself. I become QUITE the flirt when I drink; in college my friends called me The Kissing Bandit because I'd make out with a new guy every weekend after a few beers. (Oh the things Milwaukee Beast could make me do....) I had a feeling I knew where THIS conversation would be headed.

Turns out there was some drama on his homefront because a car had been broken into in his building. Slick Rick that I am, I took this as my opening and asked, "Do you need someone to come over and keep you safe?" And he, being the oblivious man that he is, replied, "Unfortunately it's my job to keep all these clowns safe." I informed him that this was the wrong answer and he soon caught on. Next thing I know we're making plans for him to come see me. Broken in apartment complex be damned where there's the possibility of sex on the table! (um...not literally. I DO have a roommate you know.)

I know what you're thinking: yes, I was on a date with a different guy just the night before. Yes, this could be defined as "shady" but I prefer to think of it as "dating." This is the idea right? Meet a lot of people and figure out what you like and don't like and settle down with the person who has the most checks in the "like" column. Didn't Sex and the City teach us anything?

To keep a long story short, he came over and my expectations were lived up to. WOO HOO! And, ahem, I think his were as well, but far be it from me to brag about my sexual prowess. Even better, post hook up we laid and talked for awhile and had one of those nice bonding chats that makes a girl feel like less of a slut and more like she had sex with this person because he IS just that into you. His needy apartment people called him an hour later and he had to leave, which is absolutely fine with me as I tend to sleep terribly when someone else is in the bed with me. I swear I was a man in another life.

The "morning after" is always tricky but I'm not too worried. And thankfully, the first time we talk after hooking up will be via gchat which always makes things a little less awkward. So for now I'll just look forward to a repeat performance....or ten.

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after,
LL