That Bird is a LIAR!

Brian Fellows says it best.

You know the adage, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is?"

Well, I'm starting to think that about Chupacabra.

First, he blew off our second date because he had to work.  OK fine, I get it, work is work, but TELL me.  Don't agree to plans after I text you and then just stop responding til after our date time has come and gone.

Second, he wanted to come over for "just a kiss" the other night and I said I had no parking in my neighborhood.  (Thank you, LA Parking Nazis.)  He said he would have to walk then and I said ok.  He had told me he lived in a ritzy apartment building which is 7 blocks from my house so I figured no big deal.  Well, then it came to light that he actually doesn't live there because his apartment is not ready, but he'll be moving there soon.  Right now he lives in Hollywood.  Nowhere near as nice.

Strike two.

Friday, he again said he wanted his kiss.   Before we had met he told me his office was in the city which is about 3 miles from my office.  I suggested we meet for lunch.  He said he was working from home that day and couldn't leave home because he's a stock guy so I would have to drive to Hollywood to see him.  No.

I suggested we get together this past weekend and he said that he was going to the Superbowl because his best friend plays for the Giants.  Could be true, said player IS from Africa, but really?  Gorgeous, rich, huge man parts, AND your best friend happens to be a top NFL player?  Methiks you doth per-fect too much.

And again today he is working from home.  I was home with the worst case of food poisoning I've ever had in my life and he DID say he could come and see me....but what kind of top financial firm lets their stock guys work from home so regularly?

Strikes 3, 4, and 5.

He's still holding on by the skin of his massive manly bits, but he's very close to being out.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
LL

Chupacabra

Here he is: the online dating grand prize.  The Mecca of internet love.

He looks like this....only prettier.

The Chupacabra.  (I was going to put a picture of said animal with this post but holy crap have you SEEN how ugly these things are?!  They could scare the pants off of Lady Gaga, a notorious non-pants wearing gal.)

I tried out this nifty "Tell me which profile pic is prettiest" contraption over at OKCupid (you can try it here ) which lets OKCupid users rate your photos and tell you which one will get you the most attention on your online dating profile.  But it also apparently creates an OKC profile for you, which was unbeknownst to me til I logged in to the email I had signed up with and there were some messages in my inbox.

One such message was from one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life, let alone online dating: 6'5, african american, model turned investment banker, and into ME?  Now you can see why I call him Chupacabra.

His email was a bit stunted in wording and I thought oh this fool just hits on every girl in the joint and is used to them all falling at his feet.  Well, homegirl don't play THAT game, so I ignored all the "you're so beautiful" comments he peppered his message with and asked how his Sunday was and if he was watching the football game, blah blah blah.  He responded almost immediately answering my questions and asking when he could see me.  Again, I assumed he was a major player so I said I was busy all week but maybe next weekend we could meet.  Fine, good.

Later in the week I signed on to OKC and apparently I also had my chat function on because he IM'ed me immediately.  We chatted, turns out he's from African but has lived in the States for 13 years (hence the odd cadence of his email) and he had just moved to LA from NYC. 

This caused me to groan because I HATE catching newbies when they first get here.  I'm a firm believer that it takes a year to get all the LA bullshit out of your system.  This town is like Disneyland for adults: around every corner there is a bigger, better, party and bigger boobed, more beautiful woman, so men don't have to grow up.  This made me even LESS excited about Chupacabra and I probably would've canceled the damn date if he wasn't SO gorgeous.  And tall.

We continued chatting, he begged me to let him call me, I said no I'm going to bed, but I gave him my cell right before I signed off.  He texted me immediately and the next day we texted all day.  He told me he was crazy about me, and laid it on really thick.  I told him to knock it off and that he was being ridiculous because he didn't even know me.  He said there are cultural differences between us and his culture is much more open to meeting someone and being with them immediately.  Well congrats, my foreign friend, but that ain't my game.  But still, I DID find his eagerness somewhat endearing.

So endearing in fact that that night I randomly texted him to see if he wanted to meet up.  He had been begging me earlier to meet up with him before our scheduled Sunday date but I had held firm that no, that would not be happening.  But after a boring Thursday night date (more on that later) that had me itching to go have fun, I texted him and we agreed to meet.

I could not prepare myself for what walked through the door when he arrived.

One of THE most beautiful men I have ever seen IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I know I said this before but I didn't really BELIEVE he'd be that pretty.  And so NICE.  And smelled so GOOD.  And admitted that *I* made *him* nervous because I was so beautiful.

WHAT TWILIGHT ZONE HAVE I STUMBLED INTO?!?!?!  Where's the candid camera?!?!?

He was sweet, he was funny, he's ambitious, he has a great job, he's buying a house, he has an adorable accent....I mean seriously, there is nothing wrong with the guy.

Later, when we were making out in his car I also discovered he has a GINORMOUS penis.  Yes, I may've innocently grazed against it during our makeout session.

I.  am.  doomed.

People go to casinos for the same reasons they go on blind dates: hoping to hit the jackpot.  But mostly you just wind up broke, or alone in a bar,
LL