At first glance, you'd never guess I have all the insecurities that I do. I appear well adjusted and happy. This is the carefully manipulated image I like to project to the world.
And in truth, this IS the girl I want to be. Unfortunately, I have spent so many years telling myself how ugly and worthless I am that I've only been able to experience these "I'm hot!" feelings when in a steady relationship. I make the men in my life responsible for my self esteem...even within two weeks of meeting them.
(Sheesh...no wonder Crossfit was feeling a little pressure from me. We've hung out 3 times and I already expect him to carry the weight of my self worth.)
This all sounds depressingly Debbie Downer-esque, right?
WRONG!
You know what the greatest part of these self realizations I'm having? The only person who can change those feelings....IS ME!
If I want 'permission' to feel good about myself, guess what? I can give it! I'm ready to take responsibility for my own happiness. It is much easier to point to someone else, or the lack of a "someone else" in my life and say, 'This is who is making me feel bad.' This gives me a tangible person to be mad at and funnel all my anger towards. Why examine your own shortcomings when you can blame them on someone else?
But when there's so much defeat, anger and blame in my heart, there is not much space leftover to fill with love for another person. It's no wonder I've had a bunch of incomplete relationships. My own relationship with myself is incomplete!
That changes now.
Starting today I'm going to believe my own hype. Pat myself on the back. Toot my own horn.
The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. If you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous,
LL
P.S. - I've enjoyed sharing this epiphany with you, but we will now return to our regularly scheduled dating disasters and dumb ass-ery.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
False Advertising
Sometimes a friend can say something that gives me such clarity I wonder what I'm paying my therapist $150 an hour for. I'm talking one of those 'A HA!' moments that stuns me into silence by the simplistic elegance of the widsom that was just imparted.
A couple of weeks ago I had one of those days.
My own personal 'guru' came to visit me at work and, as it often does, when two girls in their 20's get together, the subject turned to men. I was discussing Crossfit and the tiff we had had earlier in the week. I had been feeling unsettled since our 'words' and needed to air out those anxieties to someone who knew me and all of my, ahem, nuances. (read: craziness)
I replayed every conversation we'd had, analyzed the tone, hell, even dissected the emoticons used in every IM. I worked myself into such a frenzy I was practically pacing behind my desk.
Then I paused.
"I have completely lost my mind, haven't I?" I asked my friend.
She, being the diplomatic friend that she is, said, "Well no...not exactly...but you are advertising one thing and selling another."
I was confused by this metaphor (ironic given that I work in the advertising business) and my face must've said as much.
She explained it this way: prior to meeting one of my online conquests my expectations are non existent. If a presentable looking gentleman who's taller than 5'6 walks in, I consider the night a success. With this attitude I come across as footloose and fancy free mostly due to sheer relief. On that first date I am completely in the moment and totally (ok, mostly) myself. This is the girl I pride myself on being. I'm fun, funny, laid back, confident, sexy....in other words, a great date.
However! The problems start when I decide I like a guy and in my head I think, 'Oh yes! This is the one I'll finally have a deep and meaningful relationship with! Let the sharing begin!'
It's like turning on the radio expecting to hear Lady Gaga only to have Celine Dion blasting through your speakers instead.
When she explained it this way I was stunned into silence. Where the hell has my therapist been hiding that epiphany?! This is exactly what I do! And exactly what I need to stop doing!
WHY DID IT TAKE ME 27 YEARS TO FIGURE IT OUT?!?!?!?!?!
This is of course indicative of a bigger issue and that is why I don't love myself. I think I hide this incredibly well but by date 2, as indicated by Crossfit's 'Hey you need to calm the hell down' pep talk, guys are able to pick up on it. As I've said before, I'm looking for someone to save me from myself.
With ten hours of traveling for the holidays behind me, I had a lot of time to think about this. But right now I'm all self examined out and all I'm in need of is some leftover Christmas cookies.
A wise man once said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course, he died penniless and single,
LL
A couple of weeks ago I had one of those days.
My own personal 'guru' came to visit me at work and, as it often does, when two girls in their 20's get together, the subject turned to men. I was discussing Crossfit and the tiff we had had earlier in the week. I had been feeling unsettled since our 'words' and needed to air out those anxieties to someone who knew me and all of my, ahem, nuances. (read: craziness)
I replayed every conversation we'd had, analyzed the tone, hell, even dissected the emoticons used in every IM. I worked myself into such a frenzy I was practically pacing behind my desk.
Then I paused.
"I have completely lost my mind, haven't I?" I asked my friend.
She, being the diplomatic friend that she is, said, "Well no...not exactly...but you are advertising one thing and selling another."
I was confused by this metaphor (ironic given that I work in the advertising business) and my face must've said as much.
She explained it this way: prior to meeting one of my online conquests my expectations are non existent. If a presentable looking gentleman who's taller than 5'6 walks in, I consider the night a success. With this attitude I come across as footloose and fancy free mostly due to sheer relief. On that first date I am completely in the moment and totally (ok, mostly) myself. This is the girl I pride myself on being. I'm fun, funny, laid back, confident, sexy....in other words, a great date.
However! The problems start when I decide I like a guy and in my head I think, 'Oh yes! This is the one I'll finally have a deep and meaningful relationship with! Let the sharing begin!'
It's like turning on the radio expecting to hear Lady Gaga only to have Celine Dion blasting through your speakers instead.
When she explained it this way I was stunned into silence. Where the hell has my therapist been hiding that epiphany?! This is exactly what I do! And exactly what I need to stop doing!
WHY DID IT TAKE ME 27 YEARS TO FIGURE IT OUT?!?!?!?!?!
This is of course indicative of a bigger issue and that is why I don't love myself. I think I hide this incredibly well but by date 2, as indicated by Crossfit's 'Hey you need to calm the hell down' pep talk, guys are able to pick up on it. As I've said before, I'm looking for someone to save me from myself.
With ten hours of traveling for the holidays behind me, I had a lot of time to think about this. But right now I'm all self examined out and all I'm in need of is some leftover Christmas cookies.
A wise man once said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course, he died penniless and single,
LL
Sunday, December 20, 2009
It's not you, it's me.
Since the little tiff between Crossfit and I things have been different. Instead of backing off as I probably should've, I instead became "that girl" and clung harder. I constantly do this after second dates if I like someone. I build them up SO MUCH in my head that I become, ugh and it pains me to admit this, desperate for them to like me. I convince myself that, and this is after 2 dates remember, this person is PERFECT for me and I MUST make it work. Bad idea.
First of all, as some friends have pointed out, I should be looking at a person to see if *I* think they are worthy of *me*. Instead, I give them ALL the power, tell myself they're perfect, and start to panic they'll realize that I'm not that cool and then I'll be alone again. This is not attractive. Crossfit annoyed me when he was all, "Oh I like you, I can't wait to meet you, blah blah blah" but yet when I'm doing that a week later I expect him to respond favorably to it. The world doesn't work that way my friends.
What triggered all this self examination, and hopefully the actual taking of my own advice, is that Crossfit told me today that I come on way too strong for him. It's funny, because on Friday when a friend and I were talking about my woes and insecurities about him, she told me I was too available to him, and asked why I stopped just having fun. Clearly, she makes a good point based on Crossfit and my conversation this morning.
He and I left it at taking a step back. Which is good. Yesterday we worked out together and I was even thinking to myself, wait a second, why I am SO gaga over this guy? He's a bit of a know it all and that annoys me. Which is fine, we all have our quirks, but it just doesn't make sense for me to get so nutso over him when I hardly even KNOW him. I know it's my own insecurities at play: I WANT to be in a relationship, I am sick of being single and I base my self esteem on feeling loved. But, as the same wise friend who told me I'm too available said, I CAN feel loved...by ME. As the cliche goes, no one will love you until you love yourself. I project to the outside world that I love myself and on the first date I come across as a confident, fun, together kind of gal. But once I start to like someone and trust them a little bit, I throw all my cards on the table and let them see my insecurities. I want them to rescue me from myself. Not attractive, my friends.
I appreciate Crossfit's honesty and am going to use it to help myself change some of these behaviors that are detrimental to my new relationships. Not for him, but for ME. I don't even know if I like this dude. I like the idea of him, but him? I dunno. So I am going to work on taking back my own power and figuring out if *I* like a guy, and stop worrying so much if I can "get" him to "choose" me.
I'm not saying this will be easy. I have operated like this for most of my life. It's probably a large part of why I'm alone now. But being aware of it is the first step to change. And holding myself accountable to some kind of "audience" helps. I almost didn't post about this because I was embarrassed. Rejection is embarrassing. But if I don't address it, nothing will change, and if I want happiness, it seems change is necessary.
And with that I say, ONWARD!
When you are through changing, you are through,
LL
First of all, as some friends have pointed out, I should be looking at a person to see if *I* think they are worthy of *me*. Instead, I give them ALL the power, tell myself they're perfect, and start to panic they'll realize that I'm not that cool and then I'll be alone again. This is not attractive. Crossfit annoyed me when he was all, "Oh I like you, I can't wait to meet you, blah blah blah" but yet when I'm doing that a week later I expect him to respond favorably to it. The world doesn't work that way my friends.
What triggered all this self examination, and hopefully the actual taking of my own advice, is that Crossfit told me today that I come on way too strong for him. It's funny, because on Friday when a friend and I were talking about my woes and insecurities about him, she told me I was too available to him, and asked why I stopped just having fun. Clearly, she makes a good point based on Crossfit and my conversation this morning.
He and I left it at taking a step back. Which is good. Yesterday we worked out together and I was even thinking to myself, wait a second, why I am SO gaga over this guy? He's a bit of a know it all and that annoys me. Which is fine, we all have our quirks, but it just doesn't make sense for me to get so nutso over him when I hardly even KNOW him. I know it's my own insecurities at play: I WANT to be in a relationship, I am sick of being single and I base my self esteem on feeling loved. But, as the same wise friend who told me I'm too available said, I CAN feel loved...by ME. As the cliche goes, no one will love you until you love yourself. I project to the outside world that I love myself and on the first date I come across as a confident, fun, together kind of gal. But once I start to like someone and trust them a little bit, I throw all my cards on the table and let them see my insecurities. I want them to rescue me from myself. Not attractive, my friends.
I appreciate Crossfit's honesty and am going to use it to help myself change some of these behaviors that are detrimental to my new relationships. Not for him, but for ME. I don't even know if I like this dude. I like the idea of him, but him? I dunno. So I am going to work on taking back my own power and figuring out if *I* like a guy, and stop worrying so much if I can "get" him to "choose" me.
I'm not saying this will be easy. I have operated like this for most of my life. It's probably a large part of why I'm alone now. But being aware of it is the first step to change. And holding myself accountable to some kind of "audience" helps. I almost didn't post about this because I was embarrassed. Rejection is embarrassing. But if I don't address it, nothing will change, and if I want happiness, it seems change is necessary.
And with that I say, ONWARD!
When you are through changing, you are through,
LL
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
S&R (sex and regrets)
I was raised by parents who, while not hippies (My name is not Willow and I do not have an affinity for hemp), definitely reflected some of their hippie-era attitudes in my upbringing. For instance, I have very liberal attitudes towards sex. My parents treated it as no big deal and once I got that pesky "first time" out of the way, I realized they were right.
As such, I've had my share of one night stands and don't regret any of them. As the motto of the 70's went, "if it feels good, do it." Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting out to any dude that glances in my direction, but I'm not saving myself for the one, nor do I have any desire to. Heck, I don't even regret sleeping with Muscles, even though he dropped me like a hot potato post mattress mambo. (good god, how many cliches can I fit into one sentence? I sound like a Cosmo article.)
Crossfit, however? I regret.
Apparently Muscles messed me up a little more than I first admitted to myself. I don't feel used by him, I don't think the sex was the reason he dropped me, I think he would've bailed whether we had slept together or not. So, as I said, I don't regret the physical act of sleeping with him. But, due to how I've been acting with Crossfit post hook up, I'm realizing Muscles' idiotic actions are making me insecure about Crossfit.
He's been busy this week and as such, not as attentive as he was prior to our even meeting. This behavior reminds me of how Muscles acted right before he dropped me, and it is making me freak out. I am becoming "that girl" I have always prided myself on NOT being.
Last night, I picked a fight with him. As we have seen, this is what I am prone to do when I like a guy (i.e. Millionaire) but usually I'm able to control this crazy behavior til we've been seeing each other a few months. Last night however? I couldn't help myself.
Earlier in the day we had been talking about my friends' holiday party Crossfit was supposed to be my date for this weekend. He was now canceling because he didn't feel he had any nice enough clothes to wear and he couldn't afford to get anything he had tailored. (He's lost weight and put on muscle in the past year so he says nothing fits) I was REALLY looking forward to taking him with me so yeah, I was bummed. This also started setting off warning bells in my head of, "Uh oh, here it is. He's going to slowly start distancing himself until he feels he can kick me to the curb without looking like TOO much of a jerk."
Later, we had our office holiday party and yes, I had had a few glasses of champagne. When I get a little tipsy I also get a little flirty so I started texting Crossfit asking if he wanted to come over later. He said maybe and I said I'd check in with him when the party was over. When I did, he said he was all tucked in and hadn't planned on leaving the house. (Um...so why'd you say maybe you'd come over?) I said cool, g'night, and he picked up on my hostility and said "uh oh, you're pissed aren't you? Night." I said "no, I'm not pissed, just feel stupid, that's all."
That's when he got nasty. He said "Sorry, I don't do guilt. I did nothing to make you feel stupid." I didn't want to get into it all via text, "Actually, yes you did, because you're rejecting me now that we've slept together when for the past 2 months you've been hounding me worse than the paparazzi hounds Britney," so I just said, whoa, why the hostility? I don't want to fight. We are having so much fun, why fight? He said he agreed but thought that what I was saying was starting something. I said that I was sorry if it came off that way, I was just feeling vulnerable.
THEN he starts with, "I'm going to guess you drank. You've never talked like this before."
Ohhhhh NO you don't my friend. Don't get all holier than thou on me when you've only known me in "real life" for a WEEK, and all of our other communication has been limited to gchat. Not. OK.
I told him to knock it off and that there was way too much to get into via text but basically, the last online guy I'd dated had dropped me like a bad habit once we slept together so I am overly sensitive that that's what he's going to do too. (And yes, I am cringing as I type this. Pathetic, party of one, your table is now ready.) He said ok but then I needed to stop talking like this and I said fine, NO hard feelings? And he said nope, not at all, g'night.
So. First fight survived but I still can't help feeling unstable about it all. (as in, unstable about where I stand with him, not "the men in white coats are coming!" unstable) I really wish I hadn't slept with him so fast because then I think I'd be much more chill about him, instead of what I'm doing now which is worrying that it's only a matter of time til he decides he's done with me and tosses me aside. This is a new feeling because usually I think of sex as such a non-issue and honestly? I don't like it.
The feeling I mean, not sex.
I am going to try to calm myself down and SLOW things down with him. It will be good for me to not be in town next week, and I am not going to be the one to initiate our next hanging out. My ego is feeling wounded by his canceling on me for this weekend plus the pseudo fight last night, so the next move is up to him.
In the mean time, I'll just be "sexting" Crikey to distract myself.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble,
LL
As such, I've had my share of one night stands and don't regret any of them. As the motto of the 70's went, "if it feels good, do it." Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting out to any dude that glances in my direction, but I'm not saving myself for the one, nor do I have any desire to. Heck, I don't even regret sleeping with Muscles, even though he dropped me like a hot potato post mattress mambo. (good god, how many cliches can I fit into one sentence? I sound like a Cosmo article.)
Crossfit, however? I regret.
Apparently Muscles messed me up a little more than I first admitted to myself. I don't feel used by him, I don't think the sex was the reason he dropped me, I think he would've bailed whether we had slept together or not. So, as I said, I don't regret the physical act of sleeping with him. But, due to how I've been acting with Crossfit post hook up, I'm realizing Muscles' idiotic actions are making me insecure about Crossfit.
He's been busy this week and as such, not as attentive as he was prior to our even meeting. This behavior reminds me of how Muscles acted right before he dropped me, and it is making me freak out. I am becoming "that girl" I have always prided myself on NOT being.
Last night, I picked a fight with him. As we have seen, this is what I am prone to do when I like a guy (i.e. Millionaire) but usually I'm able to control this crazy behavior til we've been seeing each other a few months. Last night however? I couldn't help myself.
Earlier in the day we had been talking about my friends' holiday party Crossfit was supposed to be my date for this weekend. He was now canceling because he didn't feel he had any nice enough clothes to wear and he couldn't afford to get anything he had tailored. (He's lost weight and put on muscle in the past year so he says nothing fits) I was REALLY looking forward to taking him with me so yeah, I was bummed. This also started setting off warning bells in my head of, "Uh oh, here it is. He's going to slowly start distancing himself until he feels he can kick me to the curb without looking like TOO much of a jerk."
Later, we had our office holiday party and yes, I had had a few glasses of champagne. When I get a little tipsy I also get a little flirty so I started texting Crossfit asking if he wanted to come over later. He said maybe and I said I'd check in with him when the party was over. When I did, he said he was all tucked in and hadn't planned on leaving the house. (Um...so why'd you say maybe you'd come over?) I said cool, g'night, and he picked up on my hostility and said "uh oh, you're pissed aren't you? Night." I said "no, I'm not pissed, just feel stupid, that's all."
That's when he got nasty. He said "Sorry, I don't do guilt. I did nothing to make you feel stupid." I didn't want to get into it all via text, "Actually, yes you did, because you're rejecting me now that we've slept together when for the past 2 months you've been hounding me worse than the paparazzi hounds Britney," so I just said, whoa, why the hostility? I don't want to fight. We are having so much fun, why fight? He said he agreed but thought that what I was saying was starting something. I said that I was sorry if it came off that way, I was just feeling vulnerable.
THEN he starts with, "I'm going to guess you drank. You've never talked like this before."
Ohhhhh NO you don't my friend. Don't get all holier than thou on me when you've only known me in "real life" for a WEEK, and all of our other communication has been limited to gchat. Not. OK.
I told him to knock it off and that there was way too much to get into via text but basically, the last online guy I'd dated had dropped me like a bad habit once we slept together so I am overly sensitive that that's what he's going to do too. (And yes, I am cringing as I type this. Pathetic, party of one, your table is now ready.) He said ok but then I needed to stop talking like this and I said fine, NO hard feelings? And he said nope, not at all, g'night.
So. First fight survived but I still can't help feeling unstable about it all. (as in, unstable about where I stand with him, not "the men in white coats are coming!" unstable) I really wish I hadn't slept with him so fast because then I think I'd be much more chill about him, instead of what I'm doing now which is worrying that it's only a matter of time til he decides he's done with me and tosses me aside. This is a new feeling because usually I think of sex as such a non-issue and honestly? I don't like it.
The feeling I mean, not sex.
I am going to try to calm myself down and SLOW things down with him. It will be good for me to not be in town next week, and I am not going to be the one to initiate our next hanging out. My ego is feeling wounded by his canceling on me for this weekend plus the pseudo fight last night, so the next move is up to him.
In the mean time, I'll just be "sexting" Crikey to distract myself.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble,
LL
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sickness, the holidays, and Crossfit
Once again, I apologize for my absence. I'm sure my grand total of 3 readers has now dropped to 2. Boo hiss.
Due to a mysterious illness just in time for Thanksgiving that made me feel decidedly UNSEXY, all dating was on an indefinite hiatus. I had had one date scheduled over the long holiday weekend with Crossfit, a gentleman I have briefly mentioned before, but which I had to cancel due to my all around grossness.
I've only mentioned Crossfit briefly because honestly, I never thought I'd meet him. But here's a litte Crossfit background: he first "winked" at me (via the dating site)and I ignored him. My initial reaction to him was, "Whoa, this hot guy is interested in ME?" because he IS gorgeous. However! His main profile picture was a professional headshot which in this town means actor. And actor is number one on my list of dating don'ts.
(I hope none of you industry folk reading this are taking this personally. It's just that I work with actors on a daily basis and thus, have no desire to date them.)
Anyway. Inspired one day by the lack of activity my profile had received, I went and looked at the dudes who had initiated some kind of contact that I had not been all that into. I took the time to read Crossfit's profile and despite multiple headshots, it seemed he was not in "the biz." Plus he had a doofy looking black lab in some of his pics, and I am a sucker for a dopey looking dog. So I winked back.
After a few emails we began talking on gchat. This was shortly after Muscles dropped me like a bad habit so I was looking to distract myself and lick my wounds. I enjoyed talking to him but then he told me that he was actually in Canada for a month or so and once again, my interest waned. If he's not even in the same area code the chances of his helping me nurse my bruised ego were slim. I am an instant gratification kind of girl and this guy did not fit into that plan.
We continued to chat online and before I knew it he was back in LA and asking me to hang out. My head was wrapped around Millionaire and thus, I was in no rush. Plus, Crossfit had waved a big red flag at me: much like Muscles, he was semi unemployed. As I mentioned in a previous post, Crossfit is trying to break into the same internet business that Millionaire is already established and successful in. Having seen how Millionaire approaches his work, and hearing Crossfit's ideas, I just didn't feel all that confident in Crossfit's abilities so, as I said, I was in no rush.
The more we talked online the more I started to enjoy him and, despite my friends warnings, I decided coffee with him wouldn't hurt. I knew I wasn't going to be into him, but I enjoyed talking to him, and if his internet biz took off, hey, maybe he'd hire me.
We met last Wednesday at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills. I, in my usual fashion, was running late. As I practically ran up to our meeting place he greeted me with a big hug. A hug so big he even picked me up and spun me around.
H-O-T my friends.
I LOVE a guy who can make me feel small and feminine, which is not easy given my Harlem Globetrotter-esque height. I had expected him to be about 6 feet tall since every other guy, with the exception of Muscles, that I've met from the site has been that tall or a few inches shorter. So this was a pleasant and unexpected surprise.
In the light of the coffee shop I was reminded of just how HOT this guy was. Whew. Not in a Muscles, fake tan, overly Muscle-y way, but in a genuinely handsome, classic, nice looking kind of way. As I get older I am finding this kind of handsome-ness WAY more intriguing and attractive than the pretty boys I used to be into. The score so far: Crossfit - 2, my judgementalness - 0.
We spent the next 2 hours talking about everything and anything. Conversation flowed easily, he was affectionate in an appropriate way, and he smelled delicious. I was also a little surprised at how intelligent he was. From some of his grandiose ideas he had talked about in regards to his business I got the feeling he was a bit of a space cadet, but in person he was not at all. And he had an incredibly sexy voice. Yum.
At the end of the date he whispered to me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I might kind of LIKE you." Ughhhhhh there dude, you had to go and blow it. I know, I know. He likes me. That's good, right?!
Wrong.
I mean. It IS good. But when a guy tells me he likes me so soon, it skeeves me out. I realize this makes no sense. It's my own insecurities at play. I think, hey, this guy likes me after knowing me ten minutes? What's wrong with him?!
I was explaining all of this to my therapist the following day and she, in her wise therapist ways, said,
"Wait a second. You sit here every week and tell me you want a guy who adores you, who wants to hang out with you, who makes an effort and time for you, and then you find a guy who seems ready to do that and you go, 'Ugh.' You can't have it both ways."
She makes an excellent point. (dammit)
We had plans to hang out Saturday and instead of rolling my eyes and thinking, this guy is so NOT for me, I decided to embrace my geeky feelings of "like", no matter how scary they may be. I sent him a text earlier in the day telling him how excited I was to see him that night.
Then promptly had an anxiety attack.
What if he thinks I'm a huge geek and way too into him? What if he's so busy attempting to break Tiger Woods' record for most number of mistresses that he responds "Who are you?"
Fortunately, he said he had been thinking about it non stop too. WHEW.
Saturday night was AWESOME. We had a totally low key night and I felt so comfortable and so....happy! That sounds cheesy but it's true. There was no censoring myself, second guessing everything he was saying, trying to make sure I was acting the right way and saying all the right things....I was just ME. And he liked me as me. From past dating experiences and relationships, I have not always had this feeling of security and acceptance so to feel it was exciting yet calming at the same time.
He spent the night. Ahem. I know, I know, I know! It was only the second date but I couldn't help myself! I feel good about ME when I'm with him. Someone who can make me feel like that is apparently a huge turn on. Who knew?!
I have already asked him to come to a Christmas party with me this weekend where he will be meeting a bunch of my gay friends. This is quite the test. I haven't brought any of the guys from this online dating experience around to meet my boys. You think women are judgemental? Try gay men. They will tell you EXACTLY what they think and, much to my dismay, they're usually right. So to want them to meet him already means he may be something special.
Or at least, I hope he is.
Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships,
LL
Due to a mysterious illness just in time for Thanksgiving that made me feel decidedly UNSEXY, all dating was on an indefinite hiatus. I had had one date scheduled over the long holiday weekend with Crossfit, a gentleman I have briefly mentioned before, but which I had to cancel due to my all around grossness.
I've only mentioned Crossfit briefly because honestly, I never thought I'd meet him. But here's a litte Crossfit background: he first "winked" at me (via the dating site)and I ignored him. My initial reaction to him was, "Whoa, this hot guy is interested in ME?" because he IS gorgeous. However! His main profile picture was a professional headshot which in this town means actor. And actor is number one on my list of dating don'ts.
(I hope none of you industry folk reading this are taking this personally. It's just that I work with actors on a daily basis and thus, have no desire to date them.)
Anyway. Inspired one day by the lack of activity my profile had received, I went and looked at the dudes who had initiated some kind of contact that I had not been all that into. I took the time to read Crossfit's profile and despite multiple headshots, it seemed he was not in "the biz." Plus he had a doofy looking black lab in some of his pics, and I am a sucker for a dopey looking dog. So I winked back.
After a few emails we began talking on gchat. This was shortly after Muscles dropped me like a bad habit so I was looking to distract myself and lick my wounds. I enjoyed talking to him but then he told me that he was actually in Canada for a month or so and once again, my interest waned. If he's not even in the same area code the chances of his helping me nurse my bruised ego were slim. I am an instant gratification kind of girl and this guy did not fit into that plan.
We continued to chat online and before I knew it he was back in LA and asking me to hang out. My head was wrapped around Millionaire and thus, I was in no rush. Plus, Crossfit had waved a big red flag at me: much like Muscles, he was semi unemployed. As I mentioned in a previous post, Crossfit is trying to break into the same internet business that Millionaire is already established and successful in. Having seen how Millionaire approaches his work, and hearing Crossfit's ideas, I just didn't feel all that confident in Crossfit's abilities so, as I said, I was in no rush.
The more we talked online the more I started to enjoy him and, despite my friends warnings, I decided coffee with him wouldn't hurt. I knew I wasn't going to be into him, but I enjoyed talking to him, and if his internet biz took off, hey, maybe he'd hire me.
We met last Wednesday at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills. I, in my usual fashion, was running late. As I practically ran up to our meeting place he greeted me with a big hug. A hug so big he even picked me up and spun me around.
H-O-T my friends.
I LOVE a guy who can make me feel small and feminine, which is not easy given my Harlem Globetrotter-esque height. I had expected him to be about 6 feet tall since every other guy, with the exception of Muscles, that I've met from the site has been that tall or a few inches shorter. So this was a pleasant and unexpected surprise.
In the light of the coffee shop I was reminded of just how HOT this guy was. Whew. Not in a Muscles, fake tan, overly Muscle-y way, but in a genuinely handsome, classic, nice looking kind of way. As I get older I am finding this kind of handsome-ness WAY more intriguing and attractive than the pretty boys I used to be into. The score so far: Crossfit - 2, my judgementalness - 0.
We spent the next 2 hours talking about everything and anything. Conversation flowed easily, he was affectionate in an appropriate way, and he smelled delicious. I was also a little surprised at how intelligent he was. From some of his grandiose ideas he had talked about in regards to his business I got the feeling he was a bit of a space cadet, but in person he was not at all. And he had an incredibly sexy voice. Yum.
At the end of the date he whispered to me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I might kind of LIKE you." Ughhhhhh there dude, you had to go and blow it. I know, I know. He likes me. That's good, right?!
Wrong.
I mean. It IS good. But when a guy tells me he likes me so soon, it skeeves me out. I realize this makes no sense. It's my own insecurities at play. I think, hey, this guy likes me after knowing me ten minutes? What's wrong with him?!
I was explaining all of this to my therapist the following day and she, in her wise therapist ways, said,
"Wait a second. You sit here every week and tell me you want a guy who adores you, who wants to hang out with you, who makes an effort and time for you, and then you find a guy who seems ready to do that and you go, 'Ugh.' You can't have it both ways."
She makes an excellent point. (dammit)
We had plans to hang out Saturday and instead of rolling my eyes and thinking, this guy is so NOT for me, I decided to embrace my geeky feelings of "like", no matter how scary they may be. I sent him a text earlier in the day telling him how excited I was to see him that night.
Then promptly had an anxiety attack.
What if he thinks I'm a huge geek and way too into him? What if he's so busy attempting to break Tiger Woods' record for most number of mistresses that he responds "Who are you?"
Fortunately, he said he had been thinking about it non stop too. WHEW.
Saturday night was AWESOME. We had a totally low key night and I felt so comfortable and so....happy! That sounds cheesy but it's true. There was no censoring myself, second guessing everything he was saying, trying to make sure I was acting the right way and saying all the right things....I was just ME. And he liked me as me. From past dating experiences and relationships, I have not always had this feeling of security and acceptance so to feel it was exciting yet calming at the same time.
He spent the night. Ahem. I know, I know, I know! It was only the second date but I couldn't help myself! I feel good about ME when I'm with him. Someone who can make me feel like that is apparently a huge turn on. Who knew?!
I have already asked him to come to a Christmas party with me this weekend where he will be meeting a bunch of my gay friends. This is quite the test. I haven't brought any of the guys from this online dating experience around to meet my boys. You think women are judgemental? Try gay men. They will tell you EXACTLY what they think and, much to my dismay, they're usually right. So to want them to meet him already means he may be something special.
Or at least, I hope he is.
Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships,
LL
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